©2017 Q* Anthology of Queer Culture

An independent student publication in the Charlottesville and U.Va. community

Queer Self-Discovery: A Story of Diary Entries

June 23, 2017

 

5/29/14: “I must be extremely sexually-deprived bc I got turned on @ the dentist today.”

 

5/30/14: “I just got back from a party. I didn’t really expect it to be what it was. I met this guy. We made out a bunch. I eventually blew him. He came on my chest and I felt like a pornstar. I don’t really know how to feel about it. Throughout the entire experience, I only felt a little turned on but I think that was from having to pee bc after I went to the bathroom, I didn’t feel anything @ all. Kissing him did nothing for me. I’m glad I made him temporarily happy. But I’m very confused. I just really wanted to get out of there. I’m afraid to write down what I’m thinking now but I’m sure my future self will know what it is.”

 

6/9/2014: “I wish I could get out of my head a little more. I’m constantly having conversations and moral qualms with myself. I can’t tell if this is what everyone does or if I do it to an exceptional degree. I need an older sister or a therapist or something. I’d talk to a wall if it was socially acceptable.”

 

6/10/2014: “I have no clarity of mind. Thoughts are constantly bouncing o each other/the walls of my skull. I just want pause. I can’t stop think- ing/having conversations with myself about the things I need to change in order to be happy. I want to draw; I want to be skinny; I want a girl- friend; I want to know what I’ll be doing for the next 5-10 years of my life; I want to meet new people; I want to chop my hair o ; I want knowledge; I want to watch every movie anyone’s ever told me to watch; I want every- thing; but I don’t want to move or get hurt or embarrass myself or upset anyone. I want everything but I’ll just keep settling for nothing because I’m a piece of shit ... for now.”

 

6/13/2014: “A poem about a girl on the metro:

She dressed like the weather,
Clouds at her feet and rays in her hair,
A fly flew by,

I want to watch you fade,
I wish I could read what I wrote,

And say what I spoke.”

 

7/9/2014: “I don’t know how much longer I can keep this a secret.”

 

7/14/2014: “Sexuality? Lol who knows?”

 

8/10/2014: “The clerk at the used bookstore confused me. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. He was attractive to me, which is confusing. I felt like I was beginning to accept who I thought I was. The clerk boy just erased months of internal progress. I like him even though I know very little about him and we spoke very brie y, only about my peculiar “The Pleasures of Cocaine” purchase. Maybe it’s just a result of this craving for companionship, or maybe I genuinely felt/feel something for him. I’d be curious to see if he feels the same way or if I’ve even crossed his mind since I left. I hate that I’m having to validate and justify my feelings in my head, over and over again. I could use a little peace of mind.”

 

12/14/2014: “I was introduced to a friend’s very gay and open friend via Facebook so I could talk to her about my own sexuality discovery process. I like to think of her as my Gay Mentor.”

 

12/23/2014: “Girls are lovely. ____ is beautiful. And nipples are salty.” 1/8/2014: “____ is lying in bed next to me, asleep. She’s snoring so loud, and it’s the cutest thing.”

 

1/11/2015: “Here are some of my favorite things from 2014:

-happiness
-music discovery
-life talks

-____
-Americanos

-honesty

-emotions
-nice pens
-nice people

-confidence

-trying new things

-being gay
-hot tea
-hot baths
-hot people

-kisses
-holding hands

-neck kisses

-hickeys

 

I’m bored of this — here’s to 2015!”

 

2/22/2015: “____ is officially my girlfriend!”

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Recent Posts

July 13, 2018

July 13, 2018

July 13, 2018

July 11, 2018

July 11, 2018

July 11, 2018

July 11, 2018

July 11, 2018

Please reload

Archive
Please reload

Search By Tags
Please reload

Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square