Queer Self-Discovery: A Story of Diary Entries
5/29/14: “I must be extremely sexually-deprived bc I got turned on @ the dentist today.”
5/30/14: “I just got back from a party. I didn’t really expect it to be what it was. I met this guy. We made out a bunch. I eventually blew him. He came on my chest and I felt like a pornstar. I don’t really know how to feel about it. Throughout the entire experience, I only felt a little turned on but I think that was from having to pee bc after I went to the bathroom, I didn’t feel anything @ all. Kissing him did nothing for me. I’m glad I made him temporarily happy. But I’m very confused. I just really wanted to get out of there. I’m afraid to write down what I’m thinking now but I’m sure my future self will know what it is.”
6/9/2014: “I wish I could get out of my head a little more. I’m constantly having conversations and moral qualms with myself. I can’t tell if this is what everyone does or if I do it to an exceptional degree. I need an older sister or a therapist or something. I’d talk to a wall if it was socially acceptable.”
6/10/2014: “I have no clarity of mind. Thoughts are constantly bouncing o each other/the walls of my skull. I just want pause. I can’t stop think- ing/having conversations with myself about the things I need to change in order to be happy. I want to draw; I want to be skinny; I want a girl- friend; I want to know what I’ll be doing for the next 5-10 years of my life; I want to meet new people; I want to chop my hair o ; I want knowledge; I want to watch every movie anyone’s ever told me to watch; I want every- thing; but I don’t want to move or get hurt or embarrass myself or upset anyone. I want everything but I’ll just keep settling for nothing because I’m a piece of shit ... for now.”
6/13/2014: “A poem about a girl on the metro:
She dressed like the weather, Clouds at her feet and rays in her hair, A fly flew by,
I want to watch you fade, I wish I could read what I wrote,
And say what I spoke.”
7/9/2014: “I don’t know how much longer I can keep this a secret.”
7/14/2014: “Sexuality? Lol who knows?”
8/10/2014: “The clerk at the used bookstore confused me. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. He was attractive to me, which is confusing. I felt like I was beginning to accept who I thought I was. The clerk boy just erased months of internal progress. I like him even though I know very little about him and we spoke very brie y, only about my peculiar “The Pleasures of Cocaine” purchase. Maybe it’s just a result of this craving for companionship, or maybe I genuinely felt/feel something for him. I’d be curious to see if he feels the same way or if I’ve even crossed his mind since I left. I hate that I’m having to validate and justify my feelings in my head, over and over again. I could use a little peace of mind.”
12/14/2014: “I was introduced to a friend’s very gay and open friend via Facebook so I could talk to her about my own sexuality discovery process. I like to think of her as my Gay Mentor.”
12/23/2014: “Girls are lovely. ____ is beautiful. And nipples are salty.” 1/8/2014: “____ is lying in bed next to me, asleep. She’s snoring so loud, and it’s the cutest thing.”
1/11/2015: “Here are some of my favorite things from 2014:
-happiness -music discovery -life talks
-____ -Americanos
-honesty
-emotions -nice pens -nice people
-confidence
-trying new things
-being gay -hot tea -hot baths -hot people
-kisses -holding hands
-neck kisses
-hickeys
I’m bored of this — here’s to 2015!”
2/22/2015: “____ is officially my girlfriend!”
